Bold or Timid?
Sometimes It’s Both
A writer friend said something that has rattled around in my brain for a week now.
“I notice you are vague about yourself.”
If we had attended the same party, he might have sauntered into the kitchen, wine glass in hand, and asked why I was hiding from the people in the living room.
I can speak in front of five hundred people when it’s my job, but put me in a room where I’m interrogated (an introvert’s word for someone asking personal questions) and I run for the hills!
Ironically, the same day my friend said I was vague about myself I received a fundraising letter from the homeless ministry I founded twenty-six years ago.
As I read that letter, I reminisced over the twelve years I had worked in that ministry. I didn’t see myself as vague then. I can be very clear when I need to be. Like the time I ordered a homeless Marine to stand down, and then with bated breath took a hatchet out of his hands. (He planned to attack someone at a memorial service I was officiating.)
Or the summer day I wore my long, orange skirt and swirled it like a flag to stop a train so emergency personnel could transport an injured man to an ambulance on the other side of the tracks.
Once a police officer wanted to take a knife (in a sheath) away from a young homeless girl who carried it for protection when she slept outside. I told him that would be the stupidest thing he could do. (Warning: Don’t say this to ICE agents today.)
I was quite clear when I said no to a pastor who wanted our nonprofit to reduce the number of lunches we served our guests because the church wanted to keep their special permit with the city (and appease the NIMBY neighbors.) I reminded him that Jesus fed 5,000, and that was the number I would serve if needed.
Later, that same pastor told my board of directors that I had accused the church of not following the Gospel and that they should fire me. I stayed in my position as director long enough to move our nonprofit from their facility, and then I resigned from a job I loved and still miss today.
I’m bold when I need to be, but sometimes being bold is too much for people. And sometimes, I disappear like the Cheshire Cat.
Vague about myself and showing up.
Comforting the disturbed and disturbing the comfortable.
Am I bold or timid?
As a woman, writer, spiritual director, and follower of the Way of Jesus…
I am both.
Cindy, you sound like Paul and it puts me in better understanding of. how he spoke to the Corinthians, in his writing, so bold, almost fierce, about worship and chaos, but tender when face to face.